ENCYCLOPEDIA UMASS-ICA:
Your Guide to All Things Mass Attack
First, a quick note on the modern era.
The “modern era” of UMass hockey started with the construction of the Mullins Center back in 1993, after a long hiatus after the once-Division II program was relegated to club status in 1979. We know UMass hockey dates back to 1908, we’re well aware of that 1972 D2 Championship banner that hangs from the rafters, but we’re really not here to talk about the past. We mean absolutely no disrespect to any alumni who read the blog, but as a blog written primarily by current students, our interests are in the modern era in Amherst, as the program builds its way out of nonexistence and looks to make a name for itself in one of, if not the, premier conference in all of college hockey.
Our bunker: The William D. Mullins Memorial Center
We're a slightly bit concerned at what goes on in here.
Built in the early 90s, “The Bill” towers over the athletic fields on the west side of the UMass campus. Rather spartan on the outside and spacious on the inside, the Bill, like much of the campus from an architectural perspective, is more practical than pretty. But what it lacks in terms of pure aesthetics (Agannis) or cheap, trying-too-hard flash (Tsongas), it makes up for in sheer character. When it’s really rockin’, 8,000+ can be deafening. On our more quiet nights, the die-hards are that much more audible. Add in two very nice scoreboards, underrated public-address work, a crowd-pleasing soundtrack with a few unique mainstays, solid food choices (from pizza, chicken strips, and Subway to freshly-pressed burritos and clam chowder)…really, what else could you ask for? Well, besides beer sales. And luxury boxes. And a concourse. Shut up. We love the Bill, and so should you.
Characters of the Bill
Alice Bishko – Also affectionately known as “that one lady screaming through a cone,” Alice can always be found at games in her UMass jersey, screaming words of encouragement such as “GO GO GO GO GO UMASS GO GO GO!” and “STROKE! STROKE” (that last one has us scratching our heads sometimes). Lately seems to be losing her voice earlier and earlier in games. Bonus: She also works in the Film Studies office, and is an absolute delight.
Matt “Goggles” Bourassa – Until spring 2010, was the unofficial “that guy” of the student section. Wore goggles to every game (duh) and was arguably the most vocal UMass student fan in the last few years. Has prodigious taste in music. Now that he’s graduated, we’re patiently waiting to see who fills his sizeable shoes, though we consider our own Matt and Derek to be candidates.
Matt “Matty G” Goldstein – Public address announcer for hockey games at the Mullins Center, and a damn good one at that. Most notable for being ever-so-polite to UMass fans. If you ask him how much time is left one minute before the period ends, he’ll be happy to tell you, and if you’re polite enough to thank him, he’ll return the pleasantry. And that, well, that’s pretty neat. (Also, he doesn’t appreciate drunken hugs from chuck a puck pick up winners -Matt)
Little Dude - For the last few years, Little Dude could be found on the little corner between of Section U facing the student section, waving his shirt around helicopter-style. Was the official “Rally Monkey” of UMass hockey during his reign. Retired not too long ago, citing “getting too old for this shit.” Our money is on him ending up at UMass again someday, and (possibly against his will) reprising his Little Dude role.
The Noid – Avoid him. He ruins pizzas. And hockey games.
Sam the Minuteman – Oh captain my captain! The perpetually-grinning mascot of the Minutemen. Has been known to get pissed off at Andy Roddick, fears the Tim Lincecum fastball, and is a key component to ESPN’s Brett Favre messaging system. Does not talk. There is only one Sam, much as there is only one Mickey Mouse at Disney World.
Superfan – Let’s just say we’re not fans of older people yelling in our ears in the student section and making it decidedly uncool to be in said student section. Fortunately this is only an issue in basketball.
A Few of Our Favorite Things:
Douglas Howard Kublin – Currently, the official player of Fight Mass. Best defenseman on the team. Underrated as fuck. Does all the little things that win hockey games that don’t necessarily show up on the stat sheet. Wellman and Marcou scouting circus be damned, we’re still convinced Kublin’s extended mono absence in winter 2009-2010 was what really brought that team down. Notably recorded a +5 against Vermont during our pilgrimage to UVM in January 2011, which is Ron Swanson-level awesomeness if we ever saw it. Doug Kublin’s play: it’s Kuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuubtastic! (TM)
The Hold Steady – Official band of Fight Mass, and one of the many things Max and Matt bonded over. (Derek eventually saw the light, too.) Combines lyrically-dense, Dylan-esque storytelling with Springsteen’s rock sensibilities. You’ll see their lyrics all over the place in our articles, and their album/song title “Stay Positive” is sort of a credo of ours.
The Maple Leaf – Official pregame beverage of Fight Mass. Max invented it, Matt named it, we’ve all enjoyed it (plenty). Take one shot Yukon Jack, drop into a half-cup of Red Bull, enjoy all at once. The Canadian version of a Jagerbomb, only with a higher ABV content and, in our opinion, tastier. Just be warned, you WILL be hyped the fuck up if you do a couple of these. And, uhh, obviously we wouldn’t condone or participate in underage drinking. Obviously.
Max showcasing the required ingredients of the Maple Leaf.
Notable Maple Leaf Alternatives That We May or May Not Have Tried:
- “The Dainton Bomb:” Bacardi 151 and Four Loko (original formula)
- “The Bad Decision:” Yukon Jack Permafrost Schnapps and Four Loko (original formula)
Tamales – Probably the best compromise the Mullins has to offer in terms of food; if nutrition’s not an object to you, the Sunset Strips chicken is probably better, but you can’t go wrong with the Tamales burritos. Simple yet tasty, and they’re huge, which is good considering they’re like 8 bucks for a burrito plus a drink.
Charlie’s – WAS the official bar of the Fight Mass writers and their close associates, due to its friendly atmosphere and low drink prices. Yeah, it was a dive, but it also wasn’t shoulder-to-shoulder people like the usual Amherst hotspots. Unfortunately, Charlie’s closed early in 2010, in a tragedy we’re choosing to include as being somehow part of the Cahoon Swoon.
The Moan and Dove – Actually, screw Charlie’s, this place exists.
Misc. – The writers of Fight Mass, pop culture zombies that we are, can also be expected to reference a number of things both subtly and overtly, including (but not limited to) the Simpsons, Futurama, South Park, Lost, Mad Men, the Wire, NBC’s Thursday comedy block, Adult Swim, Bill & Ted, any Judd Apatow/Will Ferrell type comedy, Back to the Future, Slap Shot, and musicians such as Pearl Jam, Gaslight Anthem, Say Anything, Motion City Soundtrack, Radiohead, Thom Yorke, Immortal Technique, as well as countless stupid Internet memes. Consider yourself warned.
How The Rest of Hockey East Really Feels (to us)
*ranked from most-hated to least-cared-about*
Boston College (sucks)
First off, it’s neither in Boston nor is it a college. (And what’s the deal with airline food?!) Also… BC sucks. Unequivocally. To us they’re like the Yankees, Lakers, Washington Generals, Canadiens, the Soviet hockey team, the smoke monster, and AIDS all rolled into one, in the form of a university. Plus, we here are, like, really into the secular thing, so there’s that whole “evil Catholic school” thing going for them. BC kids tend to be the most pompous, arrogant, self-satisfied pricks in the world, despite most of them riding on their parents’ coattails their entire lives, leading to our characterization of the typical BC fan as being one who – and please, read this in a pompous, exagerrated rich person accent – “wouldn’t DREAM of taking the Lexus to Amherst, why, that’s the ghetto!” and insisting on “putting it on daddy’s chaaaaarge!” BC fans also further the stereotype of the pink-hatters, the Boston sports fans who hop aboard the bandwagon the first chance they get. You know, the average jackass with a Garnett jersey who’s never heard of Antoine Walker and doesn’t know what position Rondo plays? Yeah, he’s probably a BC fan too, even though he didn’t go there.
By the way, if you attend UMass and wear BC gear around campus without a legitimate (read: someone in your direct family went there) reason to do so? Get the fuck out.
Oh, we do like Jerry York, though, but how can you not? Guy’s a class act.
Lowell Community College
UMass’s adopted, ugly sister with a unibrow and a coke addiction. We’ll mix and match with the derisive nicknames, but never will we refer to it by the name our university system tries to sell on us (although we’d otherwise consider calling it “UMass?-LOL”). Eastern Mass. State at Lowell is located in one of the grimiest, darkest places Massachusetts has to offer, a living, breathing episode of COPS whose redeeming features include “hey, Boston’s less than an hour away, we can do stuff there!” and “hey, at least it’s not Worcester!” Even before UMass’s recent academic upswing (but certainly now), Blowell State is the safety school of safety schools, unless you’re into, like, textiles or whatever the fuck they do better than us. For real, their engineering school is supposedly better than ours, which is great considering the market for engineers right now is positively booming. By sheer virtue of their existing steadily for a longer period of time, the River Rats hockey program, believe it or not, actually boasts an ever-so-slightly more impressive resume than UMass’s, with a whopping THREE NCAA tournament appea….zzzzzzzz….yeah, we stopped caring a while ago too, especially since the last time it happened, Bill Clinton was still in office. Notably, last season, Lowell’s BEST TEAM EVER(TM), featuring a smorgasbord of seniors and two top-notch goaltenders, was knocked out in the Hockey East Quarterfinals by an injury-plagued Maine team running out its third-string goalie, the immortal Dave Wilson. Luckily, UBlowell looks to rebound in its first season as owners of the beautiful Tsongas Center, nee Arena, in scenic downtown Lowell. Tsongas features a world-class video scoreboard over center ice as well as new ribbon scoreboards that – we shit you not – display the eyes of the goal-scorer.
They do have a fantastic blog following them, which is kind of like how the Pittsburgh Pirates have a lights-out setup man. (UPDATE: And just as Evan Meek ended up being too good to be true, Lowell’s blog has appeared to abandon their once-beloved River Rats. If we had to root for a team with Mike Budd playing key minutes late in games, or, you know, had to live in Lowell, we’d probably stop trying to make time to write about these things too.)
Boston University
We’re torn on this one, mainly because Max grew up a BU fan (thanks to his friend Jon’s family; Jon’s dad works at BU and hence they got plenty of tickets, and that’s how Max got hooked on college hockey) and Derek has a burning hatred for the school. Truth be told, it’s hard not to hate on their fans’ ridiculous pageantry and their absolute obsession with the BC-BU rivalry. Agganis is beautiful, but of course we never, ever win there (even when BU is awful, i.e. last year) and we’re frankly disgusted with their fascination with making hockey a “clean, family event” (as fucking if). Goggles got kicked out of a game once because, no lie, a BU fan accused him of calling him a fag. This, despite the fact that a) even Goggles could not muster the volume needed to direct such an insult a specific person from that distance, and b) he definitely never said anything of the sort. Whatever, BU swear police. Whatever.
BU, incidentally, is coached by Satan himself, which makes the BC-BU rivalry even more fitting.
University of Maine
For some reason, tensions seem to flare more often than not between these teams. This is one of those rivalries which seems more legitimate with the players than with the fans, though the former’s intensity would probably fuel the latter if not for the long, long drive between Amherst and Middle-of-Nowherono. UMass, now-famously, swept four straight games over two weekends against the Black Bears in 06-07, ending the regular season and sweeping the HEA Quarters, all against the aforementioned Dave Wilson (making his mastery of Blowell last year all the more satisfying to us). The WIIIIIIIILLLLLL-SOOOONNNN chant still echoes through the Mullins Center and we’re not entirely sure that his graduation is going to make it end. More recently, Maine drew the ire of the Minutefans when, during a UMass rout of the Black Bears early in the season, Maine’s Adam Shemansky took a big hit from Marty Nolet, played possum and laid motionless until he was carried off in a stretcher, and gave his teammates a reason to retaliate with cheap shots against Nolet – then the apparent theater major got up and played the next night completely unharmed. The fact that his name contains “she-man” is far from coincidental.
Derek hates Maine the most, since he has family from there and such.
University of New Hampshire
A ferocious rivalry on the gridiron, the battle of the two most notorious New England “party schools” draws some very testy crowds to the Bill as well. And we’ll be damned if Marlboro’s own Billy Butler isn’t the biggest UMass nemesis of the past four years. Still, it’s hard for us to feel the same HATE for the Wildcats (real original name, by the way) that we harbor for the other teams we’ve already mentioned.
Actually, Matt hates UNH, or as he calls it “the South of the North.” Still, they’re nowhere near as hick-ish as Mainers.
University of Vermont
Although it will never stop being funny when a player – particularly a key player such as Stacey – has a girly last name, the Catamounts – relative newcomers to the Hockey East party – don’t really offend us much. The two teams tend to play some pretty tight, entertaining hockey games. Plus, how can we hate on the team Lowell inexplicably considers its biggest rival? Since the teams seem to play the last game before Thanksgiving every year, we actually admit there is a Pavlov’s dog effect of sorts, where the sheer mention of Kevin Sneddon’s name makes us start thinking about turkey and gravy.
Notably, their student section now hates us, as our first-ever pilgrimage to the Gutt ended in a 6-0 UMass win and an old lady informing us that it’s not classy to cheer for your team when you’re already winning. You know, as opposed to chanting “Fuck UMass” and “Dainton sucks donkey dick” and calling us “Massholes” (even though a) a third of your students are probably FROM Mass., and b) it’s a compliment for us). This negative experience is negated by the fact that Gutterson is a wonderful throwback hockey arena: small, chilly, and loud as hell. Make the trip, and for the love of Tim Thomas, make sure you stop in Waterbury at the Alchemist along the way. Best brewpub ever.
Providence College
We’re pretty indifferent on PC, although we do kinda feel sympathy for a school in New England being run into the ground so thoroughly from a coaching perspective. We’re also disappointed that a better rivalry hasn’t developed between the schools, who I think could become pretty good basketball adversaries, especially if UMass ends up in the Big East someday. Providence is a wonderful little city though, with some great food and good concert venues like Lupo’s Heartbreak Hotel. Max almost went to this school, and is glad he didn’t.
Northeastern University
As a Boston-area school, the Huskies are a B-list draw for the masses at the Mullins, drawing a pretty good (and hostile) crowd. They also travel well, which we love to see (yes, even if it’s BU or BC). We really do love Huskies fans, though, despite their occasional rude behavior in the playoff games in 08-09. NU students, despite paying similarly exorbitant amounts, just seem a lot less full of themselves. And okay, we’ll just say it now: we love Matthews Arena. L-O-V-E it. Spectacular place to see a game.
Merrimack College
Psh. As if we were going to waste a whole paragraph on fucking Merrimack. (Although we might eventually have to, now that they’ve inexplicably decided to be good in 2010-11.)
I got a basketball jones, a basketball jones…
We here at Fight Mass (except Derek, who was disenfranchised with the beginning of the Derek Kellogg era) are also big fans of the basketball team, as you may have noticed. As a result, you’ll notice some basketball coverage on the page. Don’t be alarmed, we’re hockey diehards first and foremost. But here’s some miscellany about the basketball squad, because it’s our blog and we’re not obligated to follow things like “formats” and “logic.”
Travi$ Ford
“Probably the number one thing that kept me here was the showing in New York from our fans. No question it made a difference,” said Ford. “I took my time in making the decision and I have no doubt this is the right one. This is the right place for me. I’m very excited; I’m going to give the team a week off and then we are right back to it.”
For the uninitiated, just read this, keeping in mind that less than one week later he signed his deal with Oklahoma State. (Notably, one of those letters he’s referring to was a lengthy ode from Max. We’ll publish that in the blog someday.) Well, whatever…he was 0-3 in A-10 tournament games as head coach of the Minutemen. Having plenty of success at OSU with guys he didn’t recruit.
The Valentine’s Day Massacre – Not really a “massacre” in the sense of a blowout loss, but it was far more damaging. Home loss on February 14th, 2008 to fucking Fordham of all schools, on national TV, which basically cost the Minutemen a trip to the NCAA tournament that year.
Leemire Goldwire – We prefer not to talk about the past. But never bring this guy up at the Bill, ever.
URI(ne) – UMass’s pseudo-archrival in the Atlantic 10. Ruining the Rams’ season is a UMass tradition three years running now. In 07-08, the Minutemen rallied down 7 in the waning minutes at the Ryan Center to drag the Rams with them to the NIT, effectively giving Rhody a Valentine’s Massacre of their own. The next year, this happened, ruining URI’s senior night, providing a rare highlight for DK’s inaugural season, and making Matty Glass a legend to those few diehards who made the roadtrip. In 09-10, UMass’s huge rally fell short in the Ryan Center, but the Minutemen got revenge with a rare comeback win on their own senior night, yet again flattening Rhody’s tournament hopes. Now don’t get us wrong, the Ryan Center is a fantastic place to see a game. Fantastic. Awesome atmosphere, great PA guy, rowdy fans, and designed to be reeeeeeally fucking loud. (To be fair, their football “stadium” is two vaguely-defined sets of bleachers adjacent to the arena.) But we take special pride in ruining their season year after year, and sticking it to their hockey-deprived fans.
This page is perpetually “under construction,” so check back in often.
I hate all of you people